TV Shows That Would Make Horrible Video Games Part 1

We all know the sordid history that movie-to-game tie-ins have in the game industry, and while rarer yet no less uncommon, there is another tie-in associated with games: TV shows. Every now and then, for reasons only Satan can surmise, a TV show gets the green light to be developed in to a video game. CSI, Prisonbreak, 24, Family Guy, Futurama, etc. are just a few popular TV shows that tried to capitalize outside their familiar medium and, for the most part, weren't very successful except to only the most devout--and no doubt after playing them--forgiving fans. Nevertheless this occurrence will no doubt continue in the future. So I got to thinking about some other "popular" TV shows and came up with this list which I present to you. Please note I did not number these in any specific order. Here are the first five games (the remaining five will be posted later on) that most certainly should never have a game made out of them no matter what the circumstance.

1. Dog the Bounty Hunter

Now you can feel what's it like to live the exciting life of a bounty hunter married to a woman whose breast size rivals that of a small planetoid. In Dog the Bounty Hunter: Hunt with the Dog Pack you play Dog, and you track down unfit mothers on crack as they cry to you about how they swore they were going to turn themselves in but you just happened to find them before they got a chance. Or the neighborhood meth addict with no teeth left in his head but you stop at McDonald's anyway to buy him a cheeseburger on your way to jail. Or everyone's favorite: The blonde haired, blue-eyed, all-American girl who was tragically turned to a life of crime by her environment. She shouldn't be treated any differently but she's made out to be the "victim" and you find her oddly attractive in a depraved sort of way which you use to justify as a reasonable excuse to add her to your Spank-a-Dex with the likes of Kim Kardashian and Courtney Love. The game includes up to four-player, split-screen co-op so you can fill your outlaw hunting ranks with the rest of the crew as they tag along on Dog's coattails to attain mediocre success (just like in real life).

2. Girls Gone Wild

What's better than trashy young college whores downing Jell-O shots till they puke and bearing their female parts to complete strangers? Creating a trivia style game which actually justifies that abhorrent behavior and gratuitous nudity, of course, with the release of Girls Gone Wild Trivia Edition. Less proper TV show than late-night infomercial pandering to 50-year-old divorcés who think they still "got it." Now you too can participate in the debasement and devaluing of today's impressionable female pysche. Pick from a variety of topics that are sure to stump the most wasted of college co-eds such as: "Words that Contain Vowels," "Basic Math Skills," "Colors of the Rainbow" and "Things My Mother and Father Will Say After Seeing Me on This Show." Sure, each of these chicks is in denial concerning the daddy issues they clearly have going on upstairs, but it's sure to provide hours of entertaining gaffs and foibles for you and your family as you teach your children valuable lessons about how not to act when they grow up and go off to college.

3. The Golden Girls

Now your kids can experience what it's like to grow old in a society that doesn't give a damn about its elderly in The Golden Girls: Help, I've Fallen and Nobody Cares Anymore edition. You too can slip silently into senility as each day you partake in simple, every day brain training exercises such as remembering to turn the stove off, combing the obituaries to recognize someone you knew, traveling to the local grocery store and then forgetting what you went there to buy in the first place, as well as walking aimlessly outside in your underpants while calling for your pet cat that died ten years ago and possibly inadvertently committing a felony by indecently exposing yourself to neighborhood children in the process. Other favorite activities include trying to stay relevant in a rapidly changing world, calling loved ones and yelling at them for no particular reason, re-writing your last Will and Testament to not include that bitch of a daughter-in-law that married and "corrupted" your son, and everyone's favorite, dying while still holding a grudge. Friends can join in as well with completely random drop-in and drop-out online co-op as the game attempts to replicate what it's like to have Alzheimer's and either signs in another player on its own regardless if there really is someone else wanting to play, or it drops you unexpectedly if you already signed in.

4. Chappelle's Show

You too can feel what it's like to experience enormous success…and then crumble under the pressure as you undergo an unexplainable, life-altering crisis that forces you to travel to another country to join an obscure tribe as you attempt to "come to grips" with having the #1 rated comedy show in cable history. Chappelle's Show: Head Case is designed more as a sim-style game than anything. You guide Dave Chappelle's funny yet unnaturally short career as you spend time crafting a funny prime-time sketch comedy show to the top of the ratings and then mysteriously bail out on everyone that depended on you leaving them to wonder what the fuck just happened. Super powers include: Magically disappearing from the public eye for months at a time; handing out pink slips in mass quantities to a bewildered cast and crew; the power to resist $50 million to continue your show; and the most incredible--seemingly able to grow a conscious from thin air. Game ends abruptly and without notice to push home the level of realism of what it's like to get completely fucked over in show business.

5.The Biggest Loser

In The Biggest Loser - This is Considered Entertainment? players get to choose from a stable (yes, stable, get it?) of pre-rendered fatties and guide them forcefully through cardiac arrest inducing specific challenges all in the name of fifteen minutes of fame. In America, the land of the exploited and litigious, it's only natural that a game should be based on a show based on violently humiliating obese individuals to millions of TV viewers and forcing them to near death scenarios every week all in the name of sweet, sweet vanity. Watch as your selected fatty must endure painful and strenuous workouts that amount to nothing more than a slew of QTE prompts on-screen. See the irony in that? A game that emphasizes working out yet doesn't require the player to actually do anything but press buttons in between chugging 2-liters of Mountain Dew and gorging on countless bags of Funyuns.