6. The Bachelor
Take a reasonably good-looking, blue-collar guy, dress him up, tell a bunch of attention starved sluts that he's an heir to a multi-million dollar fortune and wackiness ensues! In The Bachelor - Check Your Self-Esteem at the Door you select from a pool of shallow, superficial and sycophantic "hotties" that are the very definition of "banal," and you have a recipe for a tremendous waste of time. Featuring an unprecedented character create system, all you guys out there can create your very own pretty boy, or if you have a Live camera or Sony Eye Toy you can take your own picture and upload it onto an avatar as well. Interview up to fifty gold diggers "ladies" as you slowly weed out the fakers and phonies to find "true love." Once you start narrowing your choices down you can start to engage in different mini-games such as advancing through all the bases, and getting to know her trivia with such heavy hitters as, "If I pick you, will you quit your job at the local strip club?" and "You had your first kid when you were how old?" And guys, don't forget about the unedited sex games once you narrow it down to those final three.
7. Dancing with the Stars
What do celebrities do when they find themselves no longer relevant and their career is dead? They get put on needlessly created reality TV shows because quietly fading in to obscurity wasn't dignified enough, so they thought this was a good idea. In
Dancing with the Stars: Please Remember Me?! the qualifications are so low that you really don't need to be a true "celebrity" to qualify to get licensed in the game; just knowing someone that knows a real celebrity or even being a back-up dancer in a some crappy pop music video from the '90s is good enough. The game sports two-player online and four-player co-op offline, so if you manage to convince whatever friends you have left after telling them you bought this game, you can battle each other in your own personal competitions. The game even supports recording and uploading your dance sessions directly to YouTube so you can do your part in flooding the Internet with even more useless captured video game footage that nobody gives a damn about.
8. American Choppers
The next time you kids out there feel your parents treat you unfairly, then you need to play
American Chopper: Traumatized Childhood. See what's it like to start your day from the minute you arrive at work to get chastised, blamed and cursed at for minor grievances. Gamers get the full AC experience as they attempt to design and build authentic OCC bikes in a hostile environment. Step into Paul Jr.'s shoes as you'll feel what it's like to never measure up to your overbearing father as he constantly hounds and berates your every action, thought and decision. AC:TC offers several unique challenges: "Biker Build Time-Trials" has you attempting to meet a deadline for a high profile client, but you get interrupted every five minutes by an insecure father who sits on his ass in an office all day and only emerges to yell at you about how you aren't getting any work done. "Create a Bike" has you attempting to create your very own custom OCC bike, but you get interrupted every five minutes by an insecure father who sits on his ass in an office all day and only emerges to yell at you about how you aren't getting any work done. And finally "Biker Build-Off" has you challenge your inept, know-it-all father as you attempt to completely undermine and usurp his delusional perception of authority in a shop where no one respects him any more. And let's not forget the colorful banter of Paul Sr. you'll hear ad nauseaum liberally peppered throughout each gameplay mode. Featuring a script with more beeps than you'd hear while being stuck in traffic in downtown Manhattan. Paul Sr. is the epitome of class as long as you remember to leave off the "C" and "L."
9. Whale Wars
Did you ever feel ambitious enough to join a real-world cause to help change the world? If you answered with a resounding "Hell no!" then congratulations, because you'll fit right in with the crew of the Sea Shepherd in this hit Animal Planet channel series turned in to this part sim, part "action" RPG game with
Whale Wars: What a Joke. Yes, you too can waste precious man-hours and millions of donor money as you fart along for six months in the South Antarctic breaking numerous international shipping laws and terrorizing the Japanese whaling fleet while not completing one single, solitary goal you set out to complete the whole time. You take direct control of the captain as you make half-assed decisions some of the time, or leave it up to the incompetent A.I. First-mate most of the time to decide what's best for the ship and crew as you run back to your cabin away from the prying lens of the camera and confused looks from your ship’s crew when the situation gets hairy. And when the shit really hits the fan, do what any experienced captain of the seas would do by finding a scapegoat to pin the blame on publicly to make you look good while at the same time encouraging complete dissent from that crew member. Then hold a crew meeting down in the galley for three hours extolling the virtuous mission you are on while feeding your insatiable ego when God visited you in a dream as a whale and commanded you directly to save them. But the best part is you never actually save any whales because the chain-of-command is so disorganized that you spend the majority of your time navigating through lines and lines of written text arguments over where to steer the ship and who's in command when the captain is "indisposed," all the while you watch helplessly as the Japanese whaling fleet slaughters hundreds of whales right before your eyes.
10. Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares
So you think you can run a restaurant, eh? Gordon Ramsay tends to disagree and you'll get the chance to eat lots of humble pie in
Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares: Are You !@$%ing Kidding Me?! A restaurant sim game that makes you responsible for failing. Choose your downfall in three exciting rolls: "Manager," "Head Chef" or the ever-challenging "Owner" which encompasses both of the former roles in to one neat, suicidal package. Hours and hours of pure agonizing hell await as you are offered only two choices: 1. Spend every last penny of your life's savings to open a hole-in-the-wall restaurant and watch it fail, or 2. Spend every last penny of your life's savings buying a previously closed restaurant and trying to turn it around for profit...and watch it fail. The challenge is increased tenfold when you don't have any previous experience in either culinary arts or owning your own business. Hire complete losers and drug-dealers that are just as clueless as you are in front or back-of-the-house operations, and who actually help drive your dream project into the ground even faster than you can! Sometimes the game will generate a competent manager, chef or owner A.I. to help you out, but you'll never have both at the same time. Feel what it's like to suffer a complete mental breakdown and contemplate suicide as a viable alternative rather than continue on with a failing business model. And don't forget Gordon Ramsay as he goose-steps around your kitchen grilling (no pun intended) and traumatizing each of your staff members about why they chose to work in the restaurant industry, telling you over and over that your food tastes like shit and looking absolutely stupefied at every response you stutter to him to excuse the piss-poor quality your restaurant is in.
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